Tuesday, 08 July 2008
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Why I will Never Date a White Guy: Asian Girl/White Guy Not for Me.
** Disclaimer: This might offend some people. And if it DOES offend you, I probably wouldn’t like you anyway. So in the words of the illustrious Tupac, “I don’t give a f**k.” Read at your own risk.
Last week at work, a white male co-worker was shocked when I told him that I prefer dating Korean/Asian men. When I then pointed out that all my ex-boyfriends have been Korean, he was literally stunned (edit - this was the same coworker who told me that he thought this socially awkward geek we know in the office would end up w/an asian girl since so many of us are so desperate to date white...he then stated that he can say this to me because I clearly do not fall in that category).
STUNNED. He acted as though I had made a huge sacrifice by forgoing the opportunity to be with a white guy, also known as “God’s gift to women” in his eyes (gag me now).
Little did I know that my nonchalant, casual comment would soon spread like wildfire. I had people coming up to me (both men and women) saying, “Is it really true that you only date Asian guys?” They treated my casual comment on my dating preference as a true shocker of the year. In my humble opinion, there is no way that such a reaction (shock, stunned, surprised, etc) would have occurred if I were, say Jewish or Black, and said that I preferred Jewish or Black men. So why is it such a shocker that I, as an Asian woman, would prefer dating an Asian man? Because this country has had a long (and I mean LONG) history of desexualizing and trivializing Asian men to the point that the masses just accept these stereotypes as being true. Let’s face it – Asian guys do have it a lot harder in this country than Asian women. Asian women have a history of being portrayed and seen as the sweet, submissive, Me-Love-You-Long- Time girl. And on the flip side, we have been viewed as being overly sexual for the white man’s pleasure (again, gag me now).
Hollywood stereotypes stemming from characters like Long Duck Dong in Sixteen Candles have caused irreparable harm to the image of an Asian guy in this country (F**k you, John Hughes).
While white men were the white knight, capable of saving the day AND getting the girl, the Asian guy was just the chump or the one-dimensional moron incapable of being attractive.
However, growing up in a heavily Asian populated city, I always had Korean/Asian friends. I socialized with them, watched Korean dramas and idolized Korean boybands. In other words, I had an ALTERNATIVE viewpoint from Hollywood and the white man’s land that showed me that Asian men CAN be sexy, gallant, generous, talented, multifaceted and complex. My alternative media showed me different portrayals of Korean/Asian men not shown in America, which allowed me to not buy into the stereotypes and ridiculous bullshit that was being sold.
However, I have noticed that some Asian women DO buy into that shit. And it’s both sad and irritating. While I have nothing against two random people falling in love by chance (Asian/White/Black/Whatever), I DO think it’s pathetic and lame when an Asian American woman proclaims, “I only date white men” or “I don’t date Asian guys.” Not only do I think it’s pathetic, I think they sound pathetic and just really, really stupid. Then when you ask these women why, they list a bunch of reasons that sounds more like it came from Hollywood Stereotypes 101 (unintentionally affirming that yes, they really ARE that stupid). Edit - Discriminating against YOUR OWN race is pathetic because it makes you a self-loathing person. To want to date someone who SHARES your background, race, religion, etc. is NOT the same as excluding those who do. (So to the people calling me hypocritical, get a fucking clue. Thank you.)
The truth is, one of the reasons I would never want to date a white guy because I would never want to be perceived by the outside world as being THAT girl (THAT girl has the attributes that I am strongly against and would NEVER want to be associated with. Yes, these are the girls that make me want to vomit). Yes, I will sound like a bitch but fuck it, let me be honest - while THAT GIRL tends to mistakenly flaunt being with a white guy, I wouldn’t want to walk with my white boyfriend in public for fear of looking like THAT girl. The thought of having anything in common with girls that make me want to vomit is not okay with me. Moreover, I don’t want to be a seen as someone who bought into the bullshit that white media have been trying to sell about Asian guys for decades.
NONE of my friends are THAT GIRL. In fact, in our circle, being THAT GIRL meant you couldn't get an Asian guy to like you anyway. Sad.
One of my biggest fears is looking like this idiot: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ft_kY5KgCnE
Truth is, I feel sorry for women like that. I am personally not friends with women like that nor do I want to be. I think that they are an embarrassment. To stereotype and demean people who share your racial background is a travesty and clearly, they suffer from low self esteem or self-hatred of some sort.
Seriously, readers, what sucks more? Racist idiots or the self-loathing folks so desperate to sell out their own people and culture for white approval? Hmmm…tough call, ain’t it? (I choose the latter).
Let’s not forget that (in my own experience), the white guys who ARE into Asian girls tend to be Creepy. Weird. Losers. Weird. Dorks. And Weird. Personally, a cool white guy has never approached me because these objectively cool white guys have plenty of options (mostly other cool white women). They don’t need to look outside their own dating pool to dip into some Suzie-Wong- Me-Love –You-Long-Time action. And if I hear “I once dated an Asian girl” come out of another white guy’s mouth as his opening line, I just might punch him. So if my choice is between some weird, creepy, stereotype-clutching white guy or holding out for my Asian prince (see below, Mr. Coffee Prince, July 4, haha), I will hold out for my prince any day of the week.
And of course there’s the convenience factors – a Korean/Asian guy is more likely to understand my own struggles as a minority in the industry and in this country; we will likely enjoy eating the same foods (even if it’s kimchee everyday); and hopefully, he will be able to communicate with my parents and the rest of my family… at the very least, understand what they are saying OR implicitly understand the cultural values that are almost innate to us.
Plus, I am attracted to Asian guys...and no, NOT LONG DUCK DONG.
** Note: I have nothing against interracial dating...but it is just not for me. Furthermore, these rules don't apply to Asian men who score non-Asian women. Kudos to them for finding someone who isn't blindly following the definition of what an Asian man is "supposed to be."
****EDIT/UPDATE: Wow over 1,000 comments. To quote one reader, this entry is becoming epic. I haven't had time to read all of your comments but from what I have read, many of you were either sloppy with your reading or didn't bother reading all of it before jumping the gun.
http://weblog.xanga.com/somekoreanchick/669931927/let-me-clarify-the-white-guy-post.html
^ Please read that and
http://weblog.xanga.com/somekoreanchick/670719279/for-the-last-f--time.html
before you even attempt to put me on blast. I don't care what one's opinion of me is so long as what they are going by is factually accurate.
Thanks to all the supporters (there were many, many, many of you, hee) who apparently knew how to read English and understood what I was talking about.
Peace!
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Comments (1394)
It's a good thing I'm Asian. If not, I'd just be another guy with an Asian fetish.
i wish everyone were color blind.
Frankly, it really doesn't matter. I used to be you, I used to be like that. "I only date asian guys" but after I moved to Jersey and went to school with all white & black kids and only like 10 asians. I grew an interest for black men. Who knows, maybe you'll run into a guy who happens to be another race and might grow an interest on them, you never know. It happens. It happened to me. My parents used to haaate him! of course me, being korean. my parents don't play that shit but shit happens. we ended up having a babygirl together and never would I thought, I would marry a black guy.
Great and interesting piece.
thank you for speaking the truth
ah going against "yellow fever." watch it on youtube. ah my parents wouldnt allow me to go out of my race anyway. Race defined more by color. Basically i can only go with asian girls. =D
Thank you for such honesty.
I've noticed for a long time that there is some weird prejudice in Hollywood against native-born (born in U.S.) Asian leading men, whereas there are a ton of Asian women on the big screen, some of them as American as the rest of us (Ming Na, Lucy Liu, Grace Park, that woman on Gray's Anatomy, and that girl on "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody" jump to mind). If we have an Asian leading man then he is foreign born (Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Chow Yun-Fat) and his roles usually play into stereotype (samurai, martial artist, etc.). I think you are right when you say that the over-sexualization of Asian women and the emasculation of Asian men is behind this phenomenon.
A recent exception is the actor who plays Hiro on Heroes and he tells a story which reveals another layer to this phenomenon-- when he got his role on TV he told his mom and she wasn't very pleased. His mom was afraid that he was leaving a perfectly good job for something risky and would end up destitute or on the street in a few months. In his case, she was wrong and his career is fairly secure, but she is not alone in her anxieties.
If you look at the pressures young Asian adults face from their families, they have to be fairly rebellious to head into risky careers like acting. They are generally raised with a practical mindset and opt for stable careers. As far as immigrant populations go, Asian-Americans are well educated, homeowners, have good careers, families, and so forth. Since men are expected to be responsible family men, this would lead fewer of them to seek fame. If they sought fame, they would have all the above stereotypes to contend with (although I believe that is changing).
If you look at another minority population, African-Americans, you can see almost the opposite picture, where many, many young African-Americans seek fame, a sizable number achieve it, their men are perceived as desirable and masculine and many are cast as leading men, and yet the economic, educational, and family life outlook for their communities don't look so hot. There are similar imbalances in how African-Americans are sought out as mates by white people, but those are also flipped, with more white women paired with black males (Halle Berry is a product of such a pairing).
I think we are at the end of a colonialist era and at the end of white people being grandfathered into positions of power, so we will see some of this changing, but for the time being, it is good to be an example of someone who sees through the B.S. and is not afraid to speak her mind. Grace Park also married a Korean, but she is paired with a white man (albeit Jewish) on Battlestar Galactica. Stereotype? Idealistic future where race doesn't matter? I'll let you decide.
“I don’t give a f**k.” ? Bull.
Obviously you "give a f**k" about what other people think because you don't want to be seen as "THAT girl" who dates white guys.
So don't start off your entry by saying a variation "I don't care if you disagree" because it's obvious from your entry that in fact you DO care. A helluva lot.
well said!
@lingerj - lol yeah as far as i know. the only thing 'chinky' is from puffin that la lol. i dunno about rappers preferring black women with asian features... but then, i dotn know many asian girls with big booties and boobs. (except that ONE chick....).but hey, i could be wrong! i dont watch many rap videos either!
I know some guys that should read this right here!
And have you read this right here:
http://stuffblackpeoplehate.com/2008/04/09/subtle-racism-iii-asian-chicks/
thank you thank you thank you.
I moved to America permanently recently, from my hometown in Malaysia, so it's been awkward and hard for me to be confident around white people or black people. I was always surrounded by Asians growing up, and it's like ther'es a whole different vibe and atmosphere around here that I can't feel comfortable in. I feel rather uneasy actually.
so people were asking me, "would you date a white guy"? And when I said "I don't think I'd want to. I want to marry an Asian", I couldn't give them an explanation.
It's just hard to say.
Besides, I like my Korean pinup pretty boy pop band members. =D
My best friend though, is mixed but looks physically more on the white side. Her mother is Chinese, and her father is American. They're divorced now, and my best friend's mother is remarried to a British man who cracks extremely BAD JOKES and makes us cough awkwardly during social gatherings.
My bff has been dating white guys though. Although, her first boyfriend was Malay. However, she's single now, broken up with her last boyfriend (no. 5 if I'm correct) who was white.
I sometimes wonder, if she might fall for and stay forever with an Asian guy one day?
Moving to a city with not many Asians in the community and a whole new atmosphere, I feel a heightened sense of selfconsciousness that I never felt living in Asia. I realize, that I'm from a totally different culture and mindset, and I look different physically.
I feel a stronger sense of sticking with my "roots".
Maybe it's just a phase. I miss my hometown afterall. But somthing tells me that I'm always going to feel uncomfortable.
i like this. i agree with you. i think you said it well
I think I can honestly say this leaves me speechless. There are so many stereotypes, I don't even know where to begin. Kudos for sharing your opinion, I suppose...
I'm exactly opposite
I only date OUTSIDE of my gender
it's weird, but it's just me
I just thought that people dated whoever they wanted because they liked them.
There's an actual reason besides that? lol
But, I do hear a lot about Asian guys blaming white guys for "taking their women."
So...what's the difference between a person saying, "I only date white men," and "I only date Asian men."?
Is there one? No. Not at all.
It seems like this entry is full of contradictions. You start out by saying that you don't care about offending anyone and then make the point that you don't want to date the horrible white man, because you don't want people to think poorly of you. The manner in which your apathy has varied here is disconcerting. It really shouldn't matter, should it?
I'm dating an Asian girl, and I've never applied a single one of the stereotypes you mentioned above to her. In fact, I only had a vague awareness that she was Asian when we started dating. We met on the internet. We didn't even think to mention our races. Why? Because it doesn't matter. The fact is, we have personalities that are different, but they complement each other very well. She's incredibly far from submissive and even if she were, I would hope that I could bring her out of it. I want to hear her ideas and her desires, I don't want to smash her down with mine. As far as the "me love you long time" bullshit. What the hell? If somebody really is stupid enough to believe that of any human being, they don't deserve to be with anybody. In her situation, the family pressures are also different. Her family doesn't want her to date a white guy who will somehow use his inherently magical white man powers to move them up in society. They want her to date a Korean guy.
Really, race shouldn't matter at all. It doesn't to me. I'm not with her because she's Asian, because that has little influence on who she is as a person. If that fact had a strong influence, we really would be stuck in stereotypes. Each race would only have one or two personality types. But it doesn't matter. People develop amidst a huge amount of influences, race being only a single one. It's obviously not completely inconsequential, but it is certainly not all defining. And I'm not with her because of her culture. It's important to her, so I learn about it too, but that is certainly not the most important part of our relationship. I am merely with her because she is who she is and I love her. She is sassy, bossy, ambitious, intelligent, sweet, and caring. She is an infinitely complex human being, an entire world to herself. As all people should be realized as. This might seem like an idealistic perception, but I strongly prefer it to the narrow one presented here.
Forgive my arrogance, but I do not consider myself weird, creepy, or a loser. I would not care if she were white, black, or stained purple in a horrible chemical accident. It's just a body. It's going to get wrinkly and old and then we'll die and turn to dust. She's not some media created stereotype for me to exploit. Neither books nor movies have shaped my perception of her. I would not deserve her if I were that sort of person.
People need to get over what "Hollywood" tells them. TV does not equal real life.
score one for TEAM ANTI-YELLOW-FEVER-AND-STOP-TAKING-OUR-WOMEN!!
haha, just kidding! but then again maybe not really. i hope there are many girls willing to eat kimchi everyday like you in this world. high five
"Asian women have a history of being portrayed and seen as the sweet, submissive, Me-Love-You-Long- Time girl."
Thanks for pointing this one out...more people should know about this.
Damn girl, speak your mind!
Me and my cousin had a talk about this too. We wonder why White men are
attracted to Asian females. We concluded to the exact same reason you
had pointed out above.
Unless he truely is interested, then "hey!" But there's nothing wrong with dating outside the race :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDigaWrvCq4
like serisouly!your sounding so shallow
listen to what he has to say!
Not being Asian, I hadn't noticed the over abundance of stereotyping of male Asians. I think you have a point there.
I'm white and would probably date an Asian guy if he were a Unitarian and taller than me. LOL. See, I only date tall Unitarians. No one finds that overly strange. No stereotypes against us yet. Well, not many, anyway.
Liked the post.
Folks should date who they find attractive. Asians in general are pretty darned attractive. What's wrong with having a preference? Folks should let you have your own opinion.
I somewhat understand where you are coming from but I know a TON of Asian girls who date Asian guys. But I agree that Asian guys get the short end of the stick in TV/media. I mean how many leading Asian guys do you see in romance movies? But I will say in my own life I know some really hot Asian guys who not only get Asian girls but from all different races.
But no matter what there will be people that will perceive you in some negative way. Like you said some people when they see a white guy with an Asian girl they think "Me love you long time" etc... But the same goes with Asian couples. People will say "Oh those people just hang out with their 'own.' " I remember a teacher of mine made a subtle accusation that I only hang out with my own kind, because he would always see me hang out with my one friend who was also Asian. But he didn't know that I hang out with many different kinds of people... he just assumed I was one of those friends-with-Asians-only people. And in college I was one of two Asians (the other was male) in my group of friends LOL... and there were people in my group of friends who thought I should date our male friend simply because we were both Asian. That annoyed me too.
It's alright if you only date Asian guys because that's the "type" you're attracted to and if you appreciate that they share your culture, know your language etc... I mean people have "types" of people they are attracted to, blond, brown, tall, short who are sporty, fashionable, funny, cultured etc.... so that's fine. But the only problem I have is saying you won't date a white guy because you fear being stereotyped as a "me love you long time" asian girl when in fact no matter what one does in life there are people who will stereotype you and make assumptions. It's unfortunate, but don't let people's narrow-mindedness keep you from letting other people into your life.